Adventure in Aging

The ear hair came at age 30. I would say that is earlier than expected, but frankly I did not expect it at all. At that age, I was more worried about losing hair—any hair—than growing hair.

This column is about growing older. More specifically, it is about the now-daily surprises age brings.

When I get up from any sitting or resting position these days, I make noises from multiple places, the loudest one being “Owwwww! What the hell was that?”

To be clear, I have been practicing health and wellness in 2021. I am proud to report I am already on page 73 of Lazy Keto: 100+ Ways to Get Healthy. I have diligently followed the “lazy” part but have yet to start the “keto” part.

On Facebook recently, I asked friends to share anecdotes about the sights and sounds of growing older. Their replies made me laugh hard until I realized their comments were serious—and familiar.

“Noises that made me think my mother was in the room started around age 45,” reported Rosey.

“My knee sounds like a haunted house’s front door on All Hallow’s Eve. This happened around 40,” noted Jim.

“Hair will sprout in places you’ve never seen hair before,” said Storm. “Your body will sound like a beat box when you get out of a chair.”

Your body also crackles and pops like “breakfast cereal,” added Rick. Several others cited cereal references, as well.

“Getting out of bed in the morning and walking to the kitchen sounds like I am walking on bubble wrap,” Audrey wrote.

“The hair on my legs moved to my chin,” Fran said.

“My body has turned into an old car,” John noted. “Every time I sneeze my radiator leaks and my tail pipe backfires.”

“OMG! The phlegmy throat-clearing thing,” Darrel said. “EVERY MORNING.”

“There are smells, dreaded smells. Reminds me of my dad,” Scott wrote, adding the humorous hashtag #elephant_in_the_room.

Another thing I notice: The older I get, the more I hate change. No revelations here, of course, but that one hit home as I sat down to write this column.

You see, at one point, the theme of this issue was going to be health and wellness so, for days, I pondered my health and wellness and lack thereof. When I sat down to write, I checked my growing email bucket—ignoring those fiddle-faddle emails is another byproduct of geezerhood—and noticed a new email: New theme for March. Outdoor Adventure. The editor had notified me of the change in plenty of time. Dagnabbit!

Thus, in keeping with the new theme, I hereby proclaim I love outdoor adventure. My favorite local adventure is kayaking on the Silver River. My least favorite outdoor adventure is getting out of the kayak.

So, in summary: Check your emails. The older your eyes get, the less you notice ear hair. And smells can always be blamed on the dog (always keep a dog nearby).

And most relevant: Outdoor adventure is good. Change, however, is bad.

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